Live Forever or Die Trying

As of 4pm today here in California (6pm Texas time), I have gone 24 hours without a cigarette.

I think that might have been the most important sentence I have ever written in my life.

This was planned by me alone for a few months now and no one knew until D-Day, and only Dean knew then. I did not know if I could do it even for an evening or the all important morning after. But here I am over 24 hours after that last one and I am NOT going crazy.

It was 6 years ago the last time I tried and it was the worst pain in my life. Dean sat with me on our bunk bed in a tiny loft apartment during the first year of our relationship as I curled into a ball and cried. But then I tried cold turkey. This time I am using the patch, and whoa does it make a difference!

It takes away all the pain associated with withdraw, because I am still getting nicotine. At this point I am working on breaking the physical addiction of an object between my fingers and the repetitive hand-to-mouth motion. Over the next 8 weeks I will be weened off of nicotine too.

I think now I understand most males obsession with sex; the documented stat that they think about sex every 7 seconds [Although that stat is in debate, it is the best example for this instance]. I forget I stopped smoking and the idea pops into my head, “oh let’s have a cigarette!” followed promptly by, “wait, I quit”. Then I think about something else and a few seconds later the same scenario plays again. Over and over all day long.

It has happened more over the last 24 hours than a whole week prior to quitting, because when I did smoke, I was satisfied for up to an hour before the voice came back. Now there is no satisfaction for the voice, so it won’t shut up. But I hope that over time it will fade, and eventually disappear altogether.

Even though this is a huge boost to my health, there are draw backs. In all likelihood I will gain as much as 15 pounds in quitting as food is often used as a replacement for the hand-to-mouth motion. But since I know this, I have the power to overcome it by stocking the kitchen with very low cal snacks and being aware (NOT dieting) of what and how much I eat so I can moderate intake.

Dean has even offered to do an adult couples hip-hop-esk dance class for exercise because he knows I cannot justify running if there is not a lion behind me =)

I want you all to know the challenge I am taking on so I can have your support on this, and to also ask you not to judge me if I fail. Most people do not succeed on their first try, and I am not special so that rule applies to me as well. If I do fail it is not because I was not strong enough, it would be because I was really not ready to quit.

Many years ago I made a promise to Dean, “I will stop smoking for my wedding present to you”, and I fully intend to give him the gift of growing old together.

We will have a wedding on our 5 year wedding anniversary which will be March 1, 2010 at our home.

Dean I do this for you most of all, I love you.

I’m getting kind of annoyed with people pronouncing my last name “Cuss-ler”, and I figure the best way to put a stop to it is to legally change my last name from Kusler to Küsler. Plus, umlauts are metal. What do y’all think?

Last night me and Dean were in the hot tub and after we were done, I decided to drop by the apartment’s convenience store to get some items. On my way there, I saw a group of 3 older people (60s maybe?) with an animal trap hovering around the “bridge” that connects the pool area to the apt office and store. I smiled and said. “I know what y’all are doing”. They said that there was a kitten down there and they had caught the mother and the other 3 kittens 2 days ago. I offered to help and filled them in on my experience of kitten catching.

I crawled under the bridge (only 2 feet of of the ground) and -mind you- I was in a bikini from swimming. I brushed aside the roots and spider webs and saw the cute little thing. It was a fuzzy ball of calico that was scared, hungry, and crying for mommy. I meowed back to it, and her and I started a conversation. I am quite talented in the language of cats and can communicate what I want with meows. Yes, yes, laugh all you want, but I am very proud of being fluent in their language =)

I reached out for her, but she hissed. I have been bit only rarely in my cat catching and only when I knew it was my only hope to catch the kitten. Here, I had other options so I did not want to risk it. I placed all 3 of the people in the positions I needed them: one on either end of the bridge sides, and one 1 story down under the bridge as the kitten herder. I directed the herder to coax it over to me with a pole we had and when I went for it is ran out the other side. The person I had over there followed her with the flashlight until I could get to the bushes where it was.

By this time (only 5 min or so) Dean had joined in on keeping an eye on her. After 2 attempts to get my towel over her, I finally caught her. She was so beautiful and she did not hiss or try to bite at all, so I removed her from the towel and held her. I guess her to be about 5 weeks old. The ladies put some flea killer on her and she went into a carrier. We spoke a little while and they thanked me for the help.

They had planned to be camped out there all night long to get her and along I came and got her in a few minutes. They said god must have heard their prayers and sent me. I don’t know about god, but I am sure there was some cosmic chess that lined it all up just right for me to be there for them .and the baby kitten

It is great to know that I am not the only person out there rescuing what others throw away and catching/fixing/releasing the feral cats that can’t be tamed.