Although the process is irreversible, my eggs will still be intact. If Dean and I want a child bad enough, and don’t want to adopt (our first choice if we want a kid anyway) then they can harvest some of my eggs and we can make a test tube baby. I could still carry the fetus and deliver like normal. We would just not be able to conceive the “old fashion” way.

Hormone based contraceptives really messed up my body and I will never go back on them, and non-hormone based contraceptives have many faults. All it would take now would be a busted condom for the possibility of an unwanted pregnancy. And the thought of something growing inside me disgusts me. No offense to anyone out there that is a mother, this [the something growing inside me bit] is a personal thing with me and me alone. And it comes from years of school drilling into me that [as a teen] getting pregnant was wrong. Why does that matter now you might ask? My mental image of myself is me when I was 16.

I will be 27 years old this year, and I know to most of my readers, that makes me a “baby” =) But I am only 3 years shy of 30 and ALL of you had your kids by then. Yet, Dean and I do not. And I am aware that these days, most women [that plan their birth] are waiting until 30 to do so.

When I was a child, I never daydreamed that my baby dolls were real. I enjoyed the fact that they were fake and understood that I could put them down when I wanted. When I was in jr. high, most girls my age talked about having daughters and what they would name them; I never joined in because I knew that I did not want children.

Maybe it was my mom telling me I was a mistake. Maybe it was her telling me that us kids ruined her life. Maybe it is because of the stress of us kids that induced the situation that killed her. Maybe it is knowing that there are millions of children who need a family; thousands of which are in Dallas alone. Maybe it was because I was honest with myself about my selfishness and knowing that I wanted to live my life, not put it on hold for 20 years for a child.

It could be any one of, or a combination of, that selection of reasons that I don’t want to be a mother. For years now, I have pandered to anyone that has asked me if me and Dean will have kids by saying, “As of now we never want kids, but in the future we might change our minds”. We left the glimmer of hope for those people who think me, Dean and our 5 cats are not a “real” family, but I am tired of the charades.

I don’t ever, ever, want to be a mother. And Dean never ever wants to be a father. We have spent hundreds of hours discussing it and we both, without influence from the other, decided the same thing.

We love our niece Holli to a fault. We love being an Aunt and uncle to our little angel. She fills both our hearts with love and joy. Holli is the only kiddo we need in our lives. And if someday if Molly decided to have another or if my brother Josh decides to start a family or if Val becomes a mommy, Dean will be there. If they only have 2 each, then that is 6 kids we can share our love with.

And that is enough to make me feel like I am a mom. It takes a village you know.

And we will be there for every one of them.