Several months ago our resident stray female gave birth to a litter of 5 kittens. Four days after they were born a giant storm drove the mother to move them onto the stairs where 4 were found and brought to us. We suspected that there was another kitten because we saw her with something in her mouth. It would be 4 weeks later before I was able to find the fifth kitten.

The 4 we had already were all little girls and Mittens was the lone boy. He was bigger, but it just had the effect of making him look like a teddy bear. He was shy, but in 2 days I had him purring away in my arms. I was so happy to see him play with his litter mates because he had been all alone those 4 weeks.

We had Mittens for about a week before he found a home with Dean grandparents. They lost a cat not too long before and were in need of another male barn cat, so when they came to visit us, Mittens went home to Waco with him.

That first night I could not sleep and was really worried about him. Mittens was all alone in a strange place just after he got used to our place and his fellow litter mates. I felt so guilty for doing it to the poor kitten, but I know how tough it is to find homes for any animal, so I swallowed my insecurities with the situation thinking, “He might be scared for a little while, but before long he will not remember another life.”

I was to see him in a few weeks and was very excited about it. I wanted the chance to reassure myself that he was happy and well adjusted in his new home and that I did do the right thing.

I got an e-mail this morning from Dean’s Grandparents:

“Mittens is dead! Killed by a neighbor’s dogs whom I have been trying to catch on our property for many weeks. They’ve not gone wild (yet), just doing what bored dogs do, which in this case is getting to our cat’s self-feeder in the middle of the night. They didn’t even mutilate Mittens. Now I will be more actively looking for the chance to destroy them.

We are sad. Mittens was a very happy and personable young cat. Nutmeg and Frick [their other cats] first ignored him, with Nutmeg sometimes spitting at him. Then Nutmeg accepted his presence and Frick and he became big wrestling and chasing buddies. Now Frick looks bereft.”

Growing up, I got picked on a lot in school and I turned to our many animals to comfort me. I could curl up with one or more of our cats and cry into their fur over what had happened to me that day. They never judged me or said things like, “witch nose”, “cross-eyes”, “trailer trash”, ect like the kids at school did. I would cry and they would meow at me with concern because they did not know why I was upset. They cared about me when there was no one else to care. I did not hear “I love you” from any family member but the cats told me all the time with their purrs and rubs. They gave me the social network that all humans need so it is natural for me to take the death of an animal that I knew quite harshly.

I have had knots in my stomach all day. I tried to talk to Dean about how I felt but he looked like a deer in headlights. He is just not high in empathy so it is hard for him to comfort me, so I turn here to let out my emotions. I write for myself because it is a healthy outlet for joys and frustrations. I publish it so that people close to me can share in some small part of my life; get to see a side of me that few get to know.

Mittens was a beautiful kitten that gave to joy to hold. The first time I got him to purr I cried. I was so happy that he was happy and that the trauma of being taken from his mother was over.

The memory of that purr is drowned out by the screams he let out as he was being killed by that damn dog. I see him fighting tooth and claw trying to get away only to be clenched in the jaws of a dog having fun. I see him being shaken like a rag doll in unimaginable pain until his screams are silenced by the blackness of death.

I am sorry Mittens. I am sorry I did not keep you and protect you from all the big bad dogs of the world. I am sorry that I was not there for you when they came. I am sorry it was not my flesh they violated.

I am so so so sorry Mittens. I hope that there is some after place where you don’t ever have to be scarred again.


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