Live Forever or Die Trying

Dean made it look so easy when he graduated; had a job 2 months before he even graduated. It is 2 months after I graduated and I do not even have an idea of where I will be.

The talk I had today at PPN was awful. I would have rather been raped and left in a dumpster for dead. At least then I could have some dignity left.

I was right to expect the worst. I arrived 10 minutes early after an hour long drive only to wait for 45 minutes to see her; 35 minutes after our scheduled appointment time. She told me her irrelevant story about how she got to where she was and how she got so lucky on many occasions to be where she is. She asked me what I wanted to do as my career and after 10 seconds she cut in and changed the subject to how it was very unlikely that I could get a job in that field.

She then moved to my resume and butchered it. I had spent probably 40 hours on it making it perfect and referenced many sites to get it right. She was trying to help I guess:

• remove the courses
• go in detail about your (irrelevant) jobs
• move the contact info to the top
• make the Objective section a cover letter
• sell yourself like a whore (my word)

Then she started critiquing me, as in what I looked like:

• get rid of the pink hair
• wear funeral colors
• ALWAYS wear a suit
• nothing unique

I was wearing an effing $65 black skirt from Express, a $30 collared button down powder blue top from NY & Co., an undershirt, and a pair of high heels! That IS the best I can do, and the entire outfit was a gift from my Prabha because we are too effing poor for me to get expensive-ass tailored suites from Dolce and Gabbana!

She may have rich parents and she may have a rich husband but I have a dead mom and a dad that lives in a bar, and my husband is way underpaid for the creativity and work he does. There are no silver spoons in my drawers (pun intended) but what I have is the experience of coming from nothing to being an honors college grad.

This brings me to me next point. My degree is useless. All it shows is that I was dumb enough to give UNT so much money and that I am even dumber for not walking in there with AT LEAST a master’s degree. She said, “Maybe you should apply at Dillard’s of Foley’s”. OMFG!!! Are you serious! I worked my effing ass off in school. I had the top grade in ALL of my major’s and minor’s courses. I even knew stuff my professors did not know and now I am told to go work for minimum wage at a place with no benefits and no future?

I thought at one point that “all the hard work will pay off”. Now here I sit unemployed because I do not have enough experience or education to do what I want but too much education for McDonalds.

If we had the money I would just go back to school. But that is not an option.

I will continue to look around, but now that I have been beat down and feel absolutely worthless, it is going to be hard.

I know how disappointed I get when I go to blogs and there aren’t any new posts, so I know how you feel. I have been bored out of my mind this last week, so bored I could not bring myself to do anything. A slump I guess.

I started a project yesterday to cure the boredom, but instead I got a headache from complications.

Halloween is coming up, and Dean wanted to be his character from the online game we play, so I offered to sew it. I love making stuff from nothing and I do pretty well at projects like this; they are very rewarding. I don’t do patterns for sewing, I just envision what needs to be done and do it.

So I went off to the fabric store with a pic of his toon and found the perfect materials. I went to his office to take measurements and figured I might as well make it there since he has an office to himself. I wanted to make sure it was okay so I asked his boss. He laughed and said, “I don’t give a [insert a 4 letter word that starts with F and involves k, c, & u]” I laughed and went to the house to get my sewing machine.

I the sewing machine 6 years ago as a high school graduation present from my now X-step-mom. She was/is a big sewer and thought I would like to try. It was a cheap (prob $50 or so) and simple machine with 3 options (long and short stitch and reverse) and 2 speeds. It’s all I need and I have made a-many elaborate renaissance costumes and various other things.

So I get back to Dean’s office and set it all up and start cutting and pinning and sizing, and I get ready to do some sewing.

For a while now, my tension knob has been screwy, but I got along by being patient with it. It was having none of that this time. The thread was not being pulled tight at all and looked like a spring loosely wound around a central thread when I tried to sew. I threw in the towel for the day and today found a few repair shops.

After dropping Dean off from lunch, I went around town trying to find them. I told him I would be no more than an hour or so. Har. Har. Har. Ahhh the ways we damn ourselves!

The first one was listed at an address that a Hobby Lobby now occupies. I went in and asked, and they said it was odd because it was a wal-mart before they bought it. *sigh* On to the other one, which was close to the house. The address it was listed did not even exist. I gave up on getting it fixed and decided to find a cheap one.

Wal-mart has a total selection of 4 sewing machines starting at $250. Target had 8, but the $29 one I wanted they were sold out of. The fabric store had a huge selection, but they were all “professional” models which meant they were expensive. I went to a hobby place, nothing. I was so beat down by now I went into Garden Ridge lol, but lo-and-behold they had ONE and only ONE for $19. Great! I got it and a $7 up-lamp for Dean’s office (he had requested one).

I went back to his office FOUR HOURS LATER hot and tired and opened the box. Cute little thing with a ton of cheap accessories (kiddy scissors, 20 colors of thread, needles, thimble, measuring tape, ect.) but 2 things were missing: the directions and the foot petal. After all that trouble, all the time and walking and driving I get screwed anyway.

I guess I will take it back to the store; I was careful to keep the receipt b/c Garden ridge has lots of way-to-good-to-be-true prices and looks like a shady outlet store.

Maybe instead of just using the phone book to find addresses, I might actually use the numbers too. I do not want to spend another day running around with no fruits for my labor.

Speaking of tomorrow, at 11am I have that meeting thing with the woman from Planned Parenthood.

I do not know exactly how I feel about it. I am not “excited” because it is not an interview for a job. I am not “indifferent” because it could be a foot in the door. But since I am getting totally ignored by the field I wanted to so much be apart of, I am not expecting much.

I am sure I will spend 2 hours tomorrow morning getting ready (I am not too good at getting dresses up so it takes some time; I do not have a routine or anything) another hour driving while in a nervous sweat over the meeting and missing my exit. Then we will talk. I will hear her story about how she got where she is and none of it will be relevant to my situation and then I will leave for a long drive back home.
Yes my glass is half empty, probably less than that even. I feel worthless and useless because Dean is doing all the work and I sit at home and play on the computer trying to find a job in a field that practically does not exist in Texas. I am a leach on the household, contributing nothing to it.

Monday I will start looking for employment outside my chosen area which means my degree is absolutely worthless. Speaking of, I got it in the mail last week.

It is currently on a pile of junk in a cabinet.