“[Your blog is] like a train wreck … you can’t help but look. And that’s a victory for you. You have someone’s attention … someone who you think is wrong and you want to fix and yes, you have my attention. I read that when you wrote it and said “wow, she lives in her own little world. She sounds like I did when I was a teen …” You think you’re the only one to go through something like this, but you’re not. EVERYONE thinks the same thing, but at some point they grow up and think … “wow, I thought the world was all about me.”
Maybe it is because I am just a dumb kid like the quote describes, but I did not see my blog as a train wreck. This blog to me is a form of therapy. It is a place I can go to air my ideas and issues and get feedback. Yes I do live in my own little world; a place where things work according to what I think is right, but I use it only as a reference as to what needs to be done here.
I found out this weekend that a few people I know read my blog, but I did not know they did. Of the two people, one wrote the above comment while the other said something to the effect of “you are really deep and are not scared to say anything”. The person who said the latter comment might not remember because they were intoxicated at the time.
I do enjoy people reading my blog, but I also enjoy reading the comments, because that is what it is about; learning through other people. For those “invisible” readers, please contribute to my learning experience by leaving comments.
Back to the author of the quote. We have been having conflict for some time and it is tiring. I feel like this person truly hates me and my values but I have yet to get a clear reason why. It is like this person enjoys manipulating my words and action to make me look like an evil person. I could be wrong, but that is what it feels like.
For instance there was a conversation and I made some comments. The author thought I was referring to someone else when in fact I was referring to myself. The author then spent hours writing me e-mails about the “ethics” of talking about someone else’s intimate life. Did that author first ask if their assumption was correct? No, they dove in about a lecture on confidentially and how, since I was a psychology major, I should know all about it:
“So to be honest, I’m quite surprised that someone who wants to go into professional psychology as a career seems to be missing this concept [of confidentially and ethics].
And concluded the mail with:
“I know you’re probably thinking I’m rude or picking on you or blowing something stupid out of proportion. Honestly, I don’t really care, and I don’t really care if bringing it up causes more problems.”
So I guess that the author does not care that I am obviously upset at the attacks so much so I am writing about them. Sadly, the e-mail did not stop there. The author had the audacity to say:
“I know you have had a pretty horrible life, you keep bringing it up so that everyone knows it. I’m not trying to take away ANYTHING from your hardships and experiences. But everyone goes through hardships. Some more than others. Maybe yours is really bad. But you need to get over it. It’s time to grow up and say. “Yes, some shit happened to me … but I can be bigger than it all, I can rise up and make something better of myself and of my future.”
Get over it? It is not done yet. What am I supposed to do? Be okay with my mom dying when she was 42? Stop wishing my dad would call me? Not think about my niece’s life? Forget that my brother is going to have the hardest life out of us all? And above all, not worry that my sister might get stuck in that little ass town for the rest of her life?
If my family was in a good place, all of them, and we were all okay for the most part, then the wounds would start to heal, but not while the wounds are still being made.
And as for the last part, I think I have made something better of myself JUST by being the first to ever graduate college, but that does not mean I should ever forget where I came from.
Let’s end this with one last quote from the author:
“This is one of the very reasons why you know nothing about me and never will. Cause I can’t trust you. If I were to tell you anything … I have every confidence you would talk about it behind my back. There’s a saying “Those who gossip to you will gossip about you”.
I don’t see myself as a gossip, it is immature and very rude, but if writing in my blog about events and people, like this post, is gossip, then I guess I am guilty. Guilty like every other person in therapy discussing the people they have issue with so they might get some feedback on how they are to react. BUT it is not behind the author’s back because the author is also a reader and I encourage any comments they might have.
So what did we learn today:
- this blog is a train wreck
- I learned nothing in school
- I am a horrible horrible person
- I LOVE to gossip
Oh and we can’t forget the best one: I should totally accept the fact that bad shit has/is happening to me and GET OVER IT! Let’s play pretend that my mother’s bones are not 6 feet under in an unmarked grave because we can’t afford to buy a headstone.
On a less sarcastic note, I wonder if the anonymous author and ghost reader will comment on this post. It would be nice to hear the other side of the story yes? Maybe the author will just send me hate mail and try to make me take down the post. I hope all the readers will note the extreme care I took keeping the author “confidential” and the fact that there was not even so much as a gender reference either.
Well this train wreck is going to get back to trying to find a job.
