Live Forever or Die Trying

Last night I got upset about my appearance and Dean tried to make me feel better and told me he thought no matter what I am beautiful.  I have about 15 pounds of weight that I don’t much care for making me look like I am a few months pregnant and I cried about it.

I know I could loose it if I wanted to, so many I know exercise and eat right, but I know it is not easy.  Harriet works out every morning, Val works out often too, our friend Grant lost 30 or 50 pounds over the summer and his wife Prabha started Jenny Craig and has lost 5 pounds.  I know I can do it, but I am scared I will do the yo-yo thing: loose the weight, think it is over and go back to the same sedentary life I am in now and gain even more back.  I also want to quit smoking which = weight gain in most cases.

It is a touchy subject for me because the mental image of myself is the one from many years ago: long blond hair, 95 pounds, and a size 0.  I was not healthy then, not because I did not eat, but because all I ate was a lot of junk food, then a combination of birth control and birthing hips caught up with me and in 3 months I gained about 40 pounds.

I think my target weight is like 120 and I am 135, although no one believes I weigh that much because I have no boobs!  I love my large thighs and butt, but I do not like the little preggy belly I have.  It is so difficult to find un-elastic waist band pants to wear.

Any way, the point of this post was what Dean sent me this morning.  Turn your speakers down just in case it is too loud,

I just had an event happened that triggered a part of my brain that I wish was never programmed that way.  I just saw on my instant messenger that Dean signed off 10 minutes ago, but he is not home, and the first thought that went through my brain was, “He is cheating on me.”  Then my brain actually starting thinking and I laughed at myself.

Let me explain.  The “He” in the above thought was not Dean, but Matt, Charlie, and David.  For 7 years of my life and 3 boyfriends in a row I was cheated on. [Dean just walked in BTW]  My brain was programmed to constantly look for evidence and logs were meticulously kept about their whereabouts.

I hated living that way, but I did all those years.  I would check old answering machine messages, smelled clothes for perfume, counted condoms (they never got to use them on me, but they kept them in hopes), and I used to pick up another phone in their house and listen to the conversation or hide at the top of the stairs to hear.

I wasn’t a psycho-jealous-bitch-girlfriend-from-hell because they all, in fact, were cheating on me because I did not “put out”.  The outcome of that was the cheating detective I am today.  I still catch myself playing detective out of pure habit, but then I realize who I am married to =)
I know Dean would never cheat on me, at least in the happy state we are in now, maybe it is because I now “put out” lol.  To add to it, Dean was a virgin when we met, so I was his first and to a sensitive guy like him, that means a lot.  I count him as my first too because the only other person I was with raped me and took my virginity.

I am sure the ‘rents that read this are like “TMI! I don’t care to hear about my son’s sex life!” lol, well this is a blog, and it is personal, and I am not a shy person.  We pretty much all have sex, and if y’all didn’t, I would not have Dean!  If you would like, let me know and I can designate future posts with a * to let you know that a post might contain info you might not want to read about!

Well the UTI is gone, but whatever weird viral infection I have is still there and so it the effects of the hive out break.  I seem to keep a fever of 100, and all I want to do is sleep.  I guess I am glad one of my prof’s has not finished with my letter of rec because I have not wanted to do anything for the past week.

I am so sick of being sick.  I do not think I have ever been sick this long.  But the worst part is the itching!  I think this is a residual effect of the hives.  And the itches are very urgent (as in they need attention NOW!) and in odd places: palm of my hands, inside and behind my ears, and THE BOTTOM OF MY FEET.  Not the area between my toes, but the arch and heel.  It is so awful because you really can’t scratch it!  I have stolen the wire cat brush to try and relieve it, but it only does so much.

I have used 100% aloe, Bactine, and hydrocortisone, but nothing takes away the itch.  It is an itch so intense, it is like an army of invisible pygmys are constantly shooting me with needle blow darts.  There is no warning, just a startled reaction and body jerk followed by a wiping of all thought except to find anything to scratch the itch!

In the 5 min I have been typing there are been ~15 pygmy attacks.  I hope all this is over with soon.  I miss normal!

So I am getting over the UTI and the lymph node stuff pretty well and BAM *another* issue arises.  I swear it must seem like I am seeking out medical issues to get attention.  I am really not, that is not me.  Just a string of bad luck!

This time it is hives.

My friend Grant (see previous posts with his pic) got a brand new Corvette and he took me for a spin last night of all about 3 blocks (the distance between our apartments).  Within a few hours I was covered in tiny red dots.  This morning I woke up and I look like I have poison ivy from heat to toe. It does not itch that bad, and I took one of Dean’s antihistamines.  It just *looks* really bad.  It feels like I have a sunburn or fever in my skin.

I might post some pics of it later so you can see how crazy it is!

The last few weeks of posts have mostly been on the negative side of life. There are many good things in life too, but since I am not in therapy anymore I have to talk about it somewhere so it happened here. I just did not feel like starting over with a new counselor for a third time. Doing it once was hard enough because I felt as though I was back tracking. Maybe someday I can afford a psychologist so that I won’t have to worry about then graduating like Stephen and Laura did!

I will make an effort to put more positive stuff here so I won’t look like an emo depressed girl, because I am really not. Yes I have had it very hard since Dad did not come to graduation and that made me look at other things that make me sad. When you are sad, you want to stay sad so you think of more sad things.

But we had an event today that could potentially lead to a big change in our lives. I don’t think I am allowed to say anything now because there might be some readers that aren’t supposed to know yet, and I hate rumor mills! As soon as we can make it public, we will.

Wade I can see your fingers crossed, and no, the event will not make you a grandfather, sorry.