Maybe I am overlooking something or maybe I am over stressed about school, but I feel like I am playing mommy to Dean lately. He got a lot of slack during is crunch time; I did not ask much of him at all because he had very little time to himself. I did most of the chores, made all the food, and didn’t complain a peep when he played his game (World of Warcraft).
But now his crunch is over and mine is here with 9 hours of school in 5 weeks. The house is a mess. There are dishes that need to be done. I still cook, go shopping, tend the animals (except the litter box, that is Dean’s job), and tend him.
Whenever I ask Dean to do something, he does it, no questions, but he cannot do it without me asking. I tried once to make a list of his chores (dishes, vacuuming, trash, and litter box) and spread them out over 6 days, but that did not work.
I don’t have the patience to ask because with so much stress, I know it will come out wrong. He knows I am going nuts with this semester, and he sees the house declining, but does nothing for it.
I got out of class an hour and a half early (4 hour class) and called him to let him know as much. I thought maybe knowing that he might make dinner or something, but I come home to see him in his usual place: in his boxers, at his computer, playing his game. Desk a mess, dishes not done, mud from his roller blades on the carpet, dirty laundry lying around, ect. And he sits playing a fictional character in his underwear barley aware of my existence even though I am literally a foot away.
You might ask why I am writing this? Well I am kinda miffed and I do not want to take it out on Dean because I love him and no one deserves to be treated disrespectfully. Maybe he will read this in a few days and I will come home to a clean house and some dinner, but that might be asking a little much.
We both work hard, but these 5 weeks of class the house needs a little more work from him because I do not have the time or will to do much. LOL going shopping was like a mini-vacation from school. How sad!
So the question remains, am I being selfish in wanting Dean to pick up more slack?
June 16th, 2006 at 8:38 am
Nope. Doesn’t sound selfish to me. Sounds like an issue that’s common to many, many, MANY couples. And it’s not so much because one partner has a malicious intent to burden the other with too much of the household chores. It’s more because one partner just doesn’t see why some things need to be done, and is not bothered by the clutter and dirt — when the other is REALLY bothered by it. This is something I’ve wrestled with for years. Phil is very good at doing way more than his share of the cooking and laundry. And if I start to clean, he’ll pitch in and help. But it’s rare that he will take on any cleaning on his own initiative, like notice that a toilet could use scrubbing. I would have to let something get WAY more gross than I’m willing to see, before it becomes noticeable to Phil. So in part, my approach has been to ask for help when I need it — and to also realize that if my preferences for level of cleanliness or frequency of vacuuming and dusting are higher than Phil’s, then those are MY preferences. So I look at that higher level or frequency of cleaning as something that I choose to do for my own benefit, so I can enjoy the result. Of course with your super-stressful and busy summer, you need more help to maintain even a minimum level of acceptable neatness and cleanliness. I’d recommend just asking Dean for that extra help, and reminding yourself that it’s dirt-blindness and mess-blindness, not laziness or lack of consideration for you, that accounts for his not pitching in on his own initiative.