So much has happened to me in the past few years: I met Dean, went to college, gained a niece, lost a mother, and accepted a life partner in Dean.
Now I have been married for a year and about 3 months, Holli is 2 years and about 3 months, and I graduate college in about 2 and a half months.
For the past year I have been in therapy at the urging of the people who care about me. I have had a great relationship in Steven during that time and he showed me the way to look inside myself. I have never just spent time with myself at all, in fact I loathe being alone. Steven helped me to see the seething bitterness that is inside myself; the thing which makes me not want to spend any time with me.
I had an epiphany on campus a few months ago that shed light on what was seething in that dark place in my soul. I was walking to class and the “what” hit me like a brink wall: I hate myself.
It was not something I shied away from. I daresay I embraced it and it felt good because it was true. That moment I realized the core of the bitterness I have towards the world. I was so excited that I could not wait to tell Steven.
Yes that may be strange and the mental picture you have is true: I walk into the room all smiles and declare “I hate myself” while smiling and dancing on the inside. But if you think about it makes sense. I found the problem. Now it has a name, it is less scary.
Now Steven is gone; transferred to another college and I have Laura. She and I will begin our sessions next week and I will now be starting the repair stage.
I am tired of being bitter. Tired of feeling less than adequate when compared to others. Tired of feeling bitterness towards others just because they are rich, popular, thin, and happy. I want to be happy. I want to get to a place where I am okay being 135 pounds and don’t miss being 95. I want to be happy with my cat eyes, big nose, and thin lips. I want to be able to be happy for others and their successes.
At least now I know where to start: I need to find a reason to love myself and I think that reason will be graduating this August, with honors.
May 30th, 2006 at 1:47 am
That IS an important discovery because it means you are on the road to overcoming it. I think a lot of people are walking around with that same problem, and causing themselves and other people a lot of pain as a result because they don’t recognize it. Because no one can truly love and accept another until she/he can love and accept her/himself. It really has nothing to do with whether someone is wealthy, popular, attractive, smart, educated, etc. Plenty of people are all those things and still hate themselves, and as a result, cause themselves and others much damage.
To me, the “born again” idea gets warped the way most Christians talk about it, but it’s a real phenomenon (whether it happens through Christian teachings or another route) because it gets at the root of the self-hate issue. It’s about realizing that you and I — all of us — are flawed human beings with weaknesses and imperfections galore, and none of us can ever — on our own merit — earn the love of our own selves or of anyone else. But there’s a Love (with a capital L) that is bigger than any of us and is available to all of us because it’s just the biggest “thing” there is. It’s ultimate reality, and it’s all that matters. It has many names, but some people call it God, Good, Great Spirit, Great Mother. The names are all human inventions, but the reality is an all-encompassing, all-good reality and perspective that is available to everyone. “Process” theologians say God is what happens between human beings as they try to live in the world in a loving way — the process itself (not any divine entity) being that ultimate Love.
Omigod! A sermon! But I don’t know any other way to explain capital-L Love and to say that IT is the kind of love you need to access and accept for yourself, and that you don’t have to earn by being good, smart, pretty, thin, successful, etc.
The best any of us can aspire to is to be part of that ultimate Love by trying to live in and through it. I’m not good at quoting scripture, and I have a beef with a lot of what the apostle Paul is supposed to have said, but one thing he said that I love is something like “in God we live and move and have our being”. If you think of that as “in LOVE we live and move and have our being”, that’s what I’m talking about. Not “in success or popularity or money or education or attractiveness or power we live and move and have our being” because all of those things are material, note of it lasts, and none of it is ultimately real or the source of anyone’s value. We each have value because our origins and our ultimate natures are Love.
By the way, I’m saying this stuff as someone who needs to be reminded of it constantly. I forget sometimes and start to feel negative and judgmental toward myself too, and before I know it, I’m turning negativity and judgment back toward others. As Unitarians love to say, it’s a journey. It’s an adventure!
Love,
Mommiet