Live Forever or Die Trying

So much has happened to me in the past few years: I met Dean, went to college, gained a niece, lost a mother, and accepted a life partner in Dean.

Now I have been married for a year and about 3 months, Holli is 2 years and about 3 months, and I graduate college in about 2 and a half months.

For the past year I have been in therapy at the urging of the people who care about me. I have had a great relationship in Steven during that time and he showed me the way to look inside myself. I have never just spent time with myself at all, in fact I loathe being alone. Steven helped me to see the seething bitterness that is inside myself; the thing which makes me not want to spend any time with me.

I had an epiphany on campus a few months ago that shed light on what was seething in that dark place in my soul. I was walking to class and the “what” hit me like a brink wall: I hate myself.

It was not something I shied away from. I daresay I embraced it and it felt good because it was true. That moment I realized the core of the bitterness I have towards the world. I was so excited that I could not wait to tell Steven.

Yes that may be strange and the mental picture you have is true: I walk into the room all smiles and declare “I hate myself” while smiling and dancing on the inside. But if you think about it makes sense. I found the problem. Now it has a name, it is less scary.

Now Steven is gone; transferred to another college and I have Laura. She and I will begin our sessions next week and I will now be starting the repair stage.

I am tired of being bitter. Tired of feeling less than adequate when compared to others. Tired of feeling bitterness towards others just because they are rich, popular, thin, and happy. I want to be happy. I want to get to a place where I am okay being 135 pounds and don’t miss being 95. I want to be happy with my cat eyes, big nose, and thin lips. I want to be able to be happy for others and their successes.

At least now I know where to start: I need to find a reason to love myself and I think that reason will be graduating this August, with honors.

[You won't believe it](http://youtube.com/watch?v=D2kJZOfq7zk&feature=Views&page=1&t=a&f=b)

Granny and I have been e-mailing back and forth for the last few days and the topic got onto gay and lesbian people. Over the course of a few e-mails, she said that she did not believe in them (like they do not exist) and that it is all in their heads. I know Granny is very christian now, and I respect her right to choose, so I constructed a reply e-mail that I was very proud of and wanted to share it because it just flowed out of my heart:

> Granny,
>
> Everything is in our heads if you want to look at it that way. Why does a rose smell sweet and feces does not? It is in our heads that we make that distinction. Why do I love Dean so much? He fits the idea in my head of what a partner should be. Some people get well from taking a placebo, does that mean that their cure is any less valid than ones who took actual medication? No because the end result is the same. For gay people the end result is love and happiness just like you or I. Who is anyone to deny that right to them? If there is a god and it thinks it is wrong, who are we to throw it in their faces? Why can’t we let them live a happy productive life while they are here if they are going to spend eternity in hell? Is that too much to ask of religious people? If god is real, and what the Christian interpretation of gay in the bible is real, then let their punishment be hell in hell and not hell on earth.
>
> Love,
> Kaston

[10 Things I Hate About Commandments](http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=u1kqqMXWEFs) is an awesome trailer mashup that shows what Charlton Heston’s 10 Commandments could have been if it had been made as a modern teen comedy. Go watch it!

We were taught in grade school how Lincoln was such a great American hero to the slaves. Today I have been resolved of that erroneous belief due to a speech of his I read for my political science class:

While I was at the hotel to-day an elderly gentleman called upon me to know whether I was really in favor of producing perfect equality between the negroes & white people. While I had not proposed to myself on this occasion to say much on that subject, yet as the question was asked me I thought I would occupy perhaps five minutes in saying something in regard to it. I will say then that I am not, nor ever have been in favor of bringing about in any way the social & political equality of the white & black races—that I am not, nor ever have been in favor of making voters or jurors of negroes, nor of qualifying them to hold office, or intermarry with white people; & I will say in addition to this that there is a physical difference between the white & black races which I believe will forever forbid the two races living together on terms of social & political equality. & inasmuch as they cannot so live, while they do remain together there must be the position of superior & inferior, & I as much as any other man am in favor of having the superior position assigned to the white race. I say upon this occasion I do not perceive that because the white man is to have the superior position, the negro should be denied everything. I do not understand that because I do not want a negro woman for a slave, I must necessarily want her for a wife. My understanding is that I can just let her alone. I am now in my fiftieth year, & I certainly never have had a black woman for either a slave or a wife. So it seems to me quite possible for us to get along without making either slaves or wives of negroes. I will add to this that I have never seen to my knowledge a man, woman or child, who was in favor of producing a perfect equality, social & political, between negroes & white men.

He is no better than Douglas who he replaced. I do not know if I am better off knowing the bitter truth or if I’d rather continue to hold to the lie I was taught.

The older I get and the more I learn less are the number of great figures in human history.