I have to get this out of my head before I lose it forever.

Me and Dean were walking down the street to go to my grandparents house (on my mothers side). We stopped to take a break but we were shot with darts from a blow gun that was being operated by some of my evil uncles. We gathered all the evidence to turn them in after out visit with Memaw (pronounced Memaa).

Flash! I am at their door walking in, but it is the house that my godparents lived in and not my grandparents. Here it was my grandparents house. I walk through the dinning room into the living room and Papaw was sitting in a chair smoking his pipe. He said to me “Alice-Marie (he used her full name always) died.”

I run down the hall to her bedroom to find her laying in her bed. Even though she had died she had waited to see me before she left. I ran to her and was stroking her face. I said, “Why do you have to go?! You can’t leave me. You are the best person I know. You gave me love when my parents could not.” I laid my head on her breast and cried.

*A lucid moment, my pillow was soaked and I could not breath through the sobs.*

She replied, “Kaston I have to go, it is my time, I love you.” Then her soul hugged my soul and I felt the deepest sorrow I had ever experienced when her being left through me and dispersed into the room.

I then left her room and wanted oh so much to be with Dean. I traveled back through the living room where Papaw sat still smoking his pipe. He said to me, “Kaston your mom is dead too.”

Flash! I am at a house we never lived in, but in the dream it was the house my mom lived in with my brother and sister. I search the house for her only to find a room filling with family and friends for her funeral. I see a man that triggers something in me, a strange connection. I ask him “How did you know my mom? You look familiar to me but I cannot place you.”

He smiles at me and says, “I knew your mom in her younger days.”

Wait a picture is coming to my mind: tall, thin, long dusty blonde hair. This picture is in my baby book. But no, it can’t be, he’s dead, but it is. It is my father! The sperm donor father! I look around the room but he is nowhere to be seen. I feel like I was filled only to find I was not worthy enough to hold it. Even my shadow felt the despair.

*Another lucid moment, I tilt my head slightly to drain the puddle of tears that have gathered on the side of my nose.*

Flash! I am alone wondering the house crying and screaming, “Why couldn’t it have been Molly or Josh to go?! I need my mom and Memaw more then a silly brother or sister. They are more real to me, more close to me than Molly or Josh.”

Flash! I am at a store trying to buy some groceries because I have never eaten in my life. I see something in the aisle of the store and fall to the ground with the realization that they are gone, all gone. I wail.

Flash! Molly is on a horse and I am leading the horse around with a remote control. I go to pet the horse and it pulls me on its back. We all go galloping down a hill and then a tornado siren sounds.

We dismount and try to run for the house, but we hear the siren scream “Contact in 10, 9, 8 ….” We see the funnel cloud forming and make a dash for the HEB on our left.

We get in the door and warn everyone about what is going to happen but they do not listen. I turn to the large plate glass window and with jaw dropped point and say, “There it is! Take cover!.”

I grab Molly, I grab something solid to support us. The tornado breaks the glass. We are lifted into the air, but I have a death grip on Molly and the pipe. The tunnel sucks at us hard and we see people all around us get wrenched out of others arms, but our bond is tight, I can’t loose her too.

Flash! Sound of knocking.

*Lucid moment, more knocking. A voice “Pest control here.”*

I lose the silver wisp of the thread of the dream and get dressed, but the only thought that was in my head was “It was her, really her! it has been over a decade since I have seen her and was wrapped by such a loving soul.”

I spoke to my dad for the first time in month last night. It was emotional and there were many tears involved. Even though he is alive, I told that to me he has died. Not because I want him gone, but because he chose to remove himself from our lives.

I get to see him on Sunday.