Live Forever or Die Trying

Well I was having problems getting the classes I needed to graduate b/c one was dropped, BUT I was able to get the independent study course on the politics of the abortion debate that I REALLY wanted! Now that I have that I can graduate in August!

I told Dr. Jackson who is doing the abortion class (and who I only met that day) that I wanted to just hug her after she said “yes” to the independent study course and then she HUGGED me! lol

19 hours over the summer seems like a lot but 9 of those hours are at home. 2 classes are online (nifty classes about science and technology!) and then the independent study course which is also at home. So during the May-mini-mester I only have one class, summer one is 3 classes but only ONE on campus, and summer 2 two classes with only ONE on campus!

I think I will enjoy summer so much because the classes are more challenging and each day will be a step to graduation!

Good news! Kinda. I did not have an abscess tooth, but an abscess gum. They got me on some anti-biotics to take away the infection, but not with out some embarrassment on my part. The tooth I though was a cavity was not. Apparently when I was 6 or so, I had a filling done on the very tooth and they put like an enamel covering over it to hide it. Well the covering came off and I was actually looking at the filling not a cavity! LOL!

Well just my luck they had an appointment for a cleaning cancel so they get me into the chair for a long over due cleaning on the right side of my mouth. The left side is next week. The doctor bitched at me because I have not been to the dentist in about a decade but I threw it back at her that I could not afford dental work those 10 years.

Well the right side of my mouth feels awesomely clean and I can’t stop playing with them with my tongue! All of the shots they gave me just wore off but I have a pain medication Rx. Having your mouth numbed is the strangest feeling!

I can’t wait till al the tooth work is done so I can get my teeth whitened. I hate the color of my teeth, and I am very lucky to have perfectly straight and even teeth. I want to show them off, but not until they are white!

Cavities are fun. Glad we have dental insurance. Gum swollen from infection. Hope it does not explode during my test today. Have apointment tomorrow. Pain, lot’s of pain.

Well as most 0f you know I plan to graduate this summer (August). I got approved for 19 hours (max w/o approval is 15 hours) and so far I am signed up for 16 hours.

I need to find a professor in the Political Science department to do an independent study course with to get credit for the second half of the government requirement. They have had many faculty leave lately and it has been difficult. I e-mail all the profs that have an interest in American politics because it has to be an American topic to get credit. No one had mailed me back.

That is issue one.

Because I am taking so many hours, the price tag is enormous! So far the tally is over $3,000. I have a grant for $750 and I am waiting to hear on another $400 one. I wish they gave out more money for summer school! The other class I need will be another $600 to the bill. Last summer I got close to $2000, I wonder what happened?

If I cannot scrounge up the money or approval for a loan or get a government class going I will have to go ANOTHER semester. In one way I would not mind; I have become a “career” student and the thought of getting a real jobs scares the bejesus out of me.

On the other hand, I have senior-idus really bad, of which the only cure is to graduate. That mainly comes from the lack of learning I have been doing the lat 2 semesters. After 2.5 years of school, they stopped teaching me anything new. No matter what class I am in, the topic is something I already know.

That sounded really uppity after re-reading it, but it is true. I am not trying to toot my own horn at all, I am just board as hell with school. MMmmmmm Grad school!

Well I do not know if I should start the loan paperwork now or if I should wait till I know if I can get a government class. Suggestions?

I have to get this out of my head before I lose it forever.

Me and Dean were walking down the street to go to my grandparents house (on my mothers side). We stopped to take a break but we were shot with darts from a blow gun that was being operated by some of my evil uncles. We gathered all the evidence to turn them in after out visit with Memaw (pronounced Memaa).

Flash! I am at their door walking in, but it is the house that my godparents lived in and not my grandparents. Here it was my grandparents house. I walk through the dinning room into the living room and Papaw was sitting in a chair smoking his pipe. He said to me “Alice-Marie (he used her full name always) died.”

I run down the hall to her bedroom to find her laying in her bed. Even though she had died she had waited to see me before she left. I ran to her and was stroking her face. I said, “Why do you have to go?! You can’t leave me. You are the best person I know. You gave me love when my parents could not.” I laid my head on her breast and cried.

*A lucid moment, my pillow was soaked and I could not breath through the sobs.*

She replied, “Kaston I have to go, it is my time, I love you.” Then her soul hugged my soul and I felt the deepest sorrow I had ever experienced when her being left through me and dispersed into the room.

I then left her room and wanted oh so much to be with Dean. I traveled back through the living room where Papaw sat still smoking his pipe. He said to me, “Kaston your mom is dead too.”

Flash! I am at a house we never lived in, but in the dream it was the house my mom lived in with my brother and sister. I search the house for her only to find a room filling with family and friends for her funeral. I see a man that triggers something in me, a strange connection. I ask him “How did you know my mom? You look familiar to me but I cannot place you.”

He smiles at me and says, “I knew your mom in her younger days.”

Wait a picture is coming to my mind: tall, thin, long dusty blonde hair. This picture is in my baby book. But no, it can’t be, he’s dead, but it is. It is my father! The sperm donor father! I look around the room but he is nowhere to be seen. I feel like I was filled only to find I was not worthy enough to hold it. Even my shadow felt the despair.

*Another lucid moment, I tilt my head slightly to drain the puddle of tears that have gathered on the side of my nose.*

Flash! I am alone wondering the house crying and screaming, “Why couldn’t it have been Molly or Josh to go?! I need my mom and Memaw more then a silly brother or sister. They are more real to me, more close to me than Molly or Josh.”

Flash! I am at a store trying to buy some groceries because I have never eaten in my life. I see something in the aisle of the store and fall to the ground with the realization that they are gone, all gone. I wail.

Flash! Molly is on a horse and I am leading the horse around with a remote control. I go to pet the horse and it pulls me on its back. We all go galloping down a hill and then a tornado siren sounds.

We dismount and try to run for the house, but we hear the siren scream “Contact in 10, 9, 8 ….” We see the funnel cloud forming and make a dash for the HEB on our left.

We get in the door and warn everyone about what is going to happen but they do not listen. I turn to the large plate glass window and with jaw dropped point and say, “There it is! Take cover!.”

I grab Molly, I grab something solid to support us. The tornado breaks the glass. We are lifted into the air, but I have a death grip on Molly and the pipe. The tunnel sucks at us hard and we see people all around us get wrenched out of others arms, but our bond is tight, I can’t loose her too.

Flash! Sound of knocking.

*Lucid moment, more knocking. A voice “Pest control here.”*

I lose the silver wisp of the thread of the dream and get dressed, but the only thought that was in my head was “It was her, really her! it has been over a decade since I have seen her and was wrapped by such a loving soul.”

I spoke to my dad for the first time in month last night. It was emotional and there were many tears involved. Even though he is alive, I told that to me he has died. Not because I want him gone, but because he chose to remove himself from our lives.

I get to see him on Sunday.